Saturday, 17 December 2011
Trees of meanings from seeds of colours
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Four
--
Trying to turn myself into syllables
and searching in their ripples the wavering images
of father, mother and you, my brother,
have become lately a sad, forlorn pursuit.
--
In my notes, which I boastfully call poems,
I have never written about you, mother,
for I didn’t want to begrime you
with myself, with my words, with any words.
--
When you cried you hid your face from me, father,
and since then I saw you only as a hand masking a face
and now I know that you have confined yourselves
to being just the hand, your face having withered behind it.
--
In your dead face I saw nothing, brother,
not even the calm Death was supposed to gift you,
maybe you were too young to know about calm
maybe you were too young to feel your own death.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
The Attic
He was sitting on the old wooden chair in the darkness of the attic. The evening sunlight sneaking through the gap in the roof tiles showed his profile silhouetted against the blackened roof. There was a book in his hand. I tried to read the cover of the book, but I couldn’t make out anything in that faint light.
He didn’t notice me standing on the wooden ladder and peering into the attic. I felt that even if he had noticed me he wouldn’t acknowledge my presence even by glancing at me.
Finding him there again, I held my breath and I watched him for a few more minutes. Though he was just seventeen, with such a serious face he looked almost twenty four. When I began to feel a little bit bored by seeing just his profile and when I felt that I couldn’t stop myself from striking a conversation with him, I pinched myself hard remembering my mother’s rebukes.
Slowly, without making any noise, I began to climb down the ladder. He still sat there and went on reading in that darkness. As I stepped down two rungs, the wall on which I had leaned the ladder hid him from my eyes.
Almost stealthily, still my heart beating irregularly, I came down to the bedroom in the ground floor. Through the windows I saw mother sitting in the garden. No. She hasn’t seen me climbing up the attic.
But seeing her sitting like that alone I couldn’t keep myself from going to her. And being with her I couldn’t keep myself from asking her, perhaps the thousandth time, why doesn’t she like me talking to him. Before I finished my question she looked at me angrily. Her eyes were like embers and I read the words written in them once again, perhaps the thousandth time.
“Will you ever grow up and stop disturbing him? Do you expect me to go on living like this forever, safeguarding his death from you?”
What will become of all these men?
Buddha, Descartes, Soseki, Biko,
Chaplin, Tansen, Cryuff, Li Bai.
What will become of all these men
when, on a morrow coming sooner or later,
the memory, mind, breath and body of the last man
on our mystic cosmos fleets into the oblivion of death
leaving behind a terrifying silence, like that of primeval earth?
What will become of men’s worlds of colors, lies, sorrows, morals,
republics, questions, remembrances, aesthetics, sciences, kisses and music?
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
To Banaras
By the time you telephoned me after all these years we had already lost almost everything. Along with the boxy cassette decks from our beloved seventies and along with the memories so much etched in the music of those times, you and I had lost to ravenous time a couple of more things too. We had lost the sweetness with which we had written letters. And our hearts had forgotten the rhythm in which it used to beat for postmen.
You in the North and me in the South, did we not had many Saturday evenings and late nights devoted only for writing letters, letters in which we wrote our amateurish poems reeking with love and longing? You writing about music and I writing about politics. And were you ever tired of writing about music? And didn’t that woman made of iron made me talk too much about politics, and made you complain about my obsession with her antics?
After all these decades when, on the phone, you said that you were going to Banaras and from there, after a week, to Delhi I somehow felt that you were going to make that journey in the backdrop of our beloved seventies. If you were making that journey in the phoneless seventies, then I shall be talking to you only in the way seventies allowed us to talk – through letters, through those envelopes of scripted love. So I thought once you have set out on your journey I will write two letters for you, in the way I used to write to you in those days. I thought that maybe, just maybe, the days and times of letters are not yet over; I can still revive it with my eccentricity.
I daydreamed that my first letter to you will be opened somewhere in Banaras with the faint music of the gharana tickling your ears as you read.
And then I dreamt of my second letter being opened while you walk the corridors of the Powerful Delhi.
But then the day before you were to leave to Banaras everything changed so much, so quickly. Suddenly you grew beyond distances and beyond cities. Or else you dwindled yourselves into a tiny, tiny dust lost in the trodden paths, you became as small as a syllable. Or else you simply ceased to exist and your soul returned to pure nothingness. You vanished. This time you vanished not only from my life, but from yours too.
With you – the lover of nights, music and Rumi – died all my need for ciphering my love in letters. And with you died all my hopes of reviving that world of letters.
After your death, your life – with all its lost possibilities – ceased to flourish in my mind. But your death began to grow feeding on my thoughts that wriggle through the pores of numerous possibilities. Just like how deaths usually does in the minds of living.
Was what happened just your death alone – the death of a woman who had lived lives which others too lived and loved things others too loved? Or are there more significances to your death? Is it a sign of the deaths of profounder truths and wider worlds?
Your death might be just a scene in the more melodramatic death of handwritten letters. Perhaps you do not solely own your death. But it is a part of the more schematic death of letters. Your death was indeed one more pillar foundering as the world of letters crumbled, one more letter fallen as the stack of letters collapse. Through your death, the world of letters lost one more chance to resuscitate.
Again, with your death what I might have witnessed is a more tragic death than the mere death of handwritten letters and the fall of the world of letters. For millennia men and women of our beloved country have travelled incessantly to the Serene Banaras with the hope of ascending to the Eternal Delhi. What I might have witnessed, and what you have gone through, is not simply your death but the systematic death of such hopes and cessation of such attempts.